As I was thinking of something personal to write, I was having trouble thinking of something that mattered enough to write about. I try very hard to move on quickly and not dwell on certain things. I try to stay on the positive side because I am aware that many people have terrible things happen to them and everything could be so much worse. I don’t think much happens to me or around me and I’m living a merely simple life. As I continued to think, my recent break-up came to mind. Although it is super cliché, it is very important to me at the moment and very difficult for me. It was a learning experience to say the least.
I was with my boyfriend for almost two years. He was my first actual relationship. We started things off when he was a freshman in high school and I was a junior. At first, people were very hesitant to accept the age difference because, in high school, everything is a big deal. When we first started dating, I didn’t care what anyone thought and I was so crazy about him. We had a lot of fun and really wanted to be together. After about the first six months, I started to notice a pattern. I was constantly the one making all the plans, trying to hangout with him, including myself, etc. He is a really big surfer and would always tell me that “surfing comes first” and there was nothing I could do about it. I would always notice him choosing his friends over me and never inviting me to events or things with his family. I would constantly try to include myself and always sort of felt out of place and that he did not want me there because of this. At homecoming my senior year, I finally brought up the issues, and everything went downhill from there. He did not understand my concerns and felt everything was fine. We were together for about nine more months after the issues were brought up, having nothing changed and the patterns still remained.
Throughout our relationship, he would never take me out on a date or try to spend dedicated time with me. If we were to go out, I would always hold back what I want because I never wanted him to go eat somewhere he didn’t like. In a year and a half we went out to eat only a handful of times. About four months ago, we went to one of my favorite restaurants. I had been trying to plan a date with him for a while and I was super excited about it. During dinner, he barely said anything to me. I felt guilty the whole time making him take me somewhere I knew he didn’t really enjoy, even though he knew that it was my favorite restaurant. The next time we went out, I paid for everything because I did not want to feel that guilt again. Guilt was always something I felt with him. I always felt terrible making him do anything I even had the slightest feeling he did not want to do.
I was constantly told by my friends, parents, peers, his family even, that I could do better, and that I should break up with him. Although I saw that we had issues, I saw him as more than everyone else did, and I saw the little things he did try to do for me. I would constantly make excuses for him and make him look better to everyone else. I think I was always just waiting around for a little more. I am a super easy-going person and I see the effort that everyone puts into the smallest things. I try to make everyone feel appreciated and he never saw that. I am convinced now that he saw me as a burden, and I feel as though I was in the way of what he wanted to do. All I really wanted to do was be his best friend. I did not require much attention; I did not want him to worship me at his hands and feet. I simply just wanted to be equals that treat each other with respect and love whilst being best friends.
Towards the ending of our relationship, I know he saw me as needy and annoying and “yelling” at him all the time. I always sort of felt stuck with my emotions because everything was always only on his terms. What he wanted was how it went, and I could do nothing about that. He never took the time to see how much I was putting in the relationship or what I was doing for him. Even now, I would give him the world and ask for nothing in return. I have come to terms with how things are. The only thing that scares me or hurts me more than anything, is having to eventually see him with someone else.
We broke up when I was nannying on a vacation in South Carolina with two families I regularly babysit for. I was trying to make a day of plans for us because before I left for this trip, he was in Florida. I hadn’t seen him in a while, and I was excited to see him and make a fun day out of it. As he knew how excited I was and how much effort I was putting into it, he seemed totally uninterested and I just knew he didn’t care. I called him upset and we argued about how what I was saying was ridiculous and basically, I was wrong., once again. At the end of the phone call, it was decided we were breaking up. I asked him if we could wait until I get back but he kept saying he “didn’t want to do this anymore” and I had no say of what was happening. I had to pretend everything was okay and that I was okay throughout the rest of the trip.
As I look back on the relationship now, I would not have changed anything. I believe it has made me smarter and wiser already in the last two months since we have been broken up. I miss him very much and I know that what we had was special. I’m not sure if I would ever get back together with him, although, I know I will always love him and care about him more than he will know. I understand that he maybe was not mature enough to handle a relationship or understand what it meant to be in a relationship. I do not hold that against him and only hope that this situation helps him grow. Looking back now, I see how everything played out and I realized I knew when things were over. I had known for about the last six months we were together that things were over, and I think I prepared myself for a while. Unfortunately, I think it will take me a very long time to get over him. One thing that still bothers me, is that everything seems fine on his side. I always tried so hard to do the best for him and make him happy, while getting nothing in return, and I am still the one stuck and was always the one hurting. I feel a sense of relief, although, nothing is the same and I just wanted everything to be okay. It is stuck in the back of my mind that I did everything wrong and I am afraid that he looks at me and talks about me negatively. I am still trying so hard just to be friends with him, still getting very little in return.
I have taken this experience as a growing opportunity. I have learned that everything does happen for a reason. I have learned that you cannot change a person for who they are. I have learned that it is okay to do things for yourself. I have also learned that unfortunately, no matter how many times someone tells you something, it is not always true. It has been very hard for me to look at everything positively, but I believe that is the only way I will be able to move forward. I am choosing to not be mad at him or hold anything against him. It was simply just wrong timing and we were just not compatible. As much as I tried or could have continued to try, everything happens for a reason and there is nothing I can do about any of it. Staying positive is all there is to do.