As
I was thinking of something personal to write, I was having trouble thinking of
something that mattered enough to write about. I try very hard to move on
quickly and not dwell on certain things. I try to stay on the positive side
because I am aware that many people have terrible things happen to them and
everything could be so much worse. I don’t think much happens to me or around
me and I’m living a merely simple life. As I continued to think, my recent
break-up came to mind. Although it is super cliché, it is very important to me
at the moment and very difficult for me. It was a learning experience to say
the least.
I
was with my boyfriend for almost two years. He was my first actual
relationship. We started things off when he was a freshman in high school and I
was a junior. At first, people were very hesitant to accept the age difference
because, in high school, everything is a big deal. When we first started
dating, I didn’t care what anyone thought and I was so crazy about him. We had
a lot of fun and really wanted to be together. After about the first six
months, I started to notice a pattern. I was constantly the one making all the
plans, trying to hangout with him, including myself, etc. He is a really big
surfer and would always tell me that “surfing comes first” and there was
nothing I could do about it. I would always notice him choosing his friends
over me and never inviting me to events or things with his family. I would
constantly try to include myself and always sort of felt out of place and that
he did not want me there because of this. At homecoming my senior year, I
finally brought up the issues, and everything went downhill from there. He did
not understand my concerns and felt everything was fine. We were together
for about nine more months after the issues were brought up, having nothing
changed and the patterns still remained.
Throughout our
relationship, he would never take me out on a date or try to spend dedicated
time with me. If we were to go out, I would always hold back what I want
because I never wanted him to go eat somewhere he didn’t like. In a year and a
half we went out to eat only a handful of times. About four months ago, we went
to one of my favorite restaurants. I had been trying to plan a date with him
for a while and I was super excited about it. During dinner, he barely said
anything to me. I felt guilty the whole time making him take me somewhere I
knew he didn’t really enjoy, even though he knew that it was my favorite
restaurant. The next time we went out, I paid for everything because I did not
want to feel that guilt again. Guilt was always something I felt with him. I
always felt terrible making him do anything I even had the slightest feeling he
did not want to do.
I
was constantly told by my friends, parents, peers, his family even, that I
could do better, and that I should break up with him. Although I saw that we
had issues, I saw him as more than everyone else did, and I saw the little
things he did try to do for me. I would constantly make excuses for him and
make him look better to everyone else. I think I was always just waiting around
for a little more. I am a super easy-going person and I see the effort that
everyone puts into the smallest things. I try to make everyone feel appreciated
and he never saw that. I am convinced now that he saw me as a burden, and I
feel as though I was in the way of what he wanted to do. All I really wanted to
do was be his best friend. I did not require much attention; I did not want him
to worship me at his hands and feet. I simply just wanted to be equals that
treat each other with respect and love whilst being best friends.
Towards
the ending of our relationship, I know he saw me as needy and annoying and
“yelling” at him all the time. I always sort of felt stuck with my emotions
because everything was always only on his terms. What he wanted was how it went,
and I could do nothing about that. He never took the time to see how much I was
putting in the relationship or what I was doing for him. Even now, I would give
him the world and ask for nothing in return. I have come to terms with how
things are. The only thing that scares me or hurts me more than anything, is
having to eventually see him with someone else.
We broke up when
I was nannying on a vacation in South Carolina with two families I regularly
babysit for. I was trying to make a day of plans for us because before I left
for this trip, he was in Florida. I hadn’t seen him in a while, and I was
excited to see him and make a fun day out of it. As he knew how excited I was
and how much effort I was putting into it, he seemed totally uninterested and I
just knew he didn’t care. I called him upset and we argued about how what I was
saying was ridiculous and basically, I was wrong., once again. At the end of
the phone call, it was decided we were breaking up. I asked him if we could
wait until I get back but he kept saying he “didn’t want to do this anymore”
and I had no say of what was happening. I had to pretend everything was okay
and that I was okay throughout the rest of the trip.
As
I look back on the relationship now, I would not have changed anything. I
believe it has made me smarter and wiser already in the last two months since
we have been broken up. I miss him very much and I know that what we had was
special. I’m not sure if I would ever get back together with him, although, I
know I will always love him and care about him more than he will know. I
understand that he maybe was not mature enough to handle a relationship or
understand what it meant to be in a relationship. I do not hold that against
him and only hope that this situation helps him grow. Looking back now, I see
how everything played out and I realized I knew when things were over. I had
known for about the last six months we were together that things were over, and
I think I prepared myself for a while. Unfortunately, I think it will take me a
very long time to get over him. One thing that still bothers me, is that
everything seems fine on his side. I always tried so hard to do the best for
him and make him happy, while getting nothing in return, and I am still the one
stuck and was always the one hurting. I feel a sense of relief, although,
nothing is the same and I just wanted everything to be okay. It is stuck
in the back of my mind that I did everything wrong and I am afraid that he
looks at me and talks about me negatively. I am still trying so hard just to be
friends with him, still getting very little in return.
I
have taken this experience as a growing opportunity. I have learned that
everything does happen for a reason. I have learned that you cannot change a
person for who they are. I have learned that it is okay to do things for
yourself. I have also learned that unfortunately, no matter how many times
someone tells you something, it is not always true. It has been very hard for
me to look at everything positively, but I believe that is the only way I will
be able to move forward. I am choosing to not be mad at him or hold anything
against him. It was simply just wrong timing and we were just not compatible.
As much as I tried or could have continued to try, everything happens for a
reason and there is nothing I can do about any of it. Staying positive is all there
is to do.
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